A deep dive into my issues around Self love, and the guidance I received when I asked

After the most recent post about openings and doorways, I actually had quite a bit of difficulty and was feeling totally discombobulated and inefficient and exhausted. So I turned my friend and guide, Ahramein, a tree deva who supports my work and my overall healing journey and provides me with clarity and guidance when I need it.

First, let me tell you about the root. I’m in the process of transmuting a very large collection of energies that encompass a number of past lives. The root, however, is where this cycle of energies began. I got some clarity on the lifetime when this happened, and what I did in that lifetime and why the root is there. It also provided a lot of context for several lifetimes since, and some of my worst hang ups in this lifetime, as well.

Here’s the essence of the root: At some point in the past, I chose darkness, worked with entities that were not of light. This is so common for so many of us who have lived many, many lifetimes. I see this energy a lot, with many of us being called to account for our actions. But the accountability is not about self-punishment, it’s about looking honestly at what we’ve done, and choosing Light this time. It’s about moving forward in light, and healing the rifts we created in choosing darkness in the past.

I’ve been pretty out of balance in some of my past lifetimes, and, at the root, I created this structure that I imprisoned myself within so that I wouldn’t cause more harm. However, it was also preventing me from getting out and sharing my spiritual lessons for the expansion of light. I’m working through that now, organically, and I just heard this morning that simply sharing this work is how I will get through this stage of the transmutation process.

“You need to work through these energies,” Ahramein told me. “Your mind is distracting you because it is a part of the structure of the root. When you get close, it’s like a security system, it goes off and then doesn’t allow you to go any further — or it gives the illusion of this, at least.”

I realized in this work that I didn’t feel safe on this journey, and that my other misdirected attempts to do other things with my life often felt much safer than this spiritual work.

“That’s because you’re still afraid of the energy in the root,” Ahramein said. “Forgive yourself now, and remember when you feel this fear that you are to go back to forgiveness.”

I’ve been working on this, but at the same time I’ve felt such a dragging feeling recently, like I’m stuck in concrete and can hardly move. Ahramein explained that the difference between when I feel good and excited to face the day and when I feel like I can hardly move out of my bed is whether I’m actively engaging with my blockages.

“By actively engaging, I mean succumbing to them,” he explained. “These last few days, you’ve allowed yourself to succumb, and thus have felt much more exhausted and much less like waking up and facing the day. When you’re in the Flow, you’re excited to get out of bed and get started on your day. You still need to let go, so much. You have so much to share, it’s always flowing through you, you’re just resisting and then it’s getting blocked up.”

I was pretty stuck at this point, so I asked what is in this root? What is in the heavy energy of fear I was experiencing?

“At the root of the root is your fear that you’re not ‘good’ enough to be doing this work,” Ahramein answered. “Because of mistakes you made, paths you’ve taken in past existences that were based on this misunderstanding of ‘good’ and ‘bad.’ You diverged from Light, yes, and it created an energetic battle within you that you experienced in many, many lifetimes. But that was a process of learning what you now know — the wisdom you now hold, the understanding you now have of your Soul’s purpose and what it all was for. So you need to trust yourself to be in alignment with Light, and allow what happens from there to happen.”

I kept asking, going deeper to get more clarity and context of what else is held in this root.

“Self love,” Ahramein said. “You’re learning that it is not your responsibility to sacrifice your well being for others. You’re learning that you are worthy of this work, which will help and guide people — that you are a spiritual teacher, because you have learned these lessons and can help other people learn them too. You are learning that your practical concerns do matter as much as anyone else’s and it is not for you to sacrifice your needs to make sure their needs are met.

“You were very off balance in the past, and you believed mistakenly that you had to give everything you had to be worthy of love. This is not at all true. And you NEED deeply to integrate this lesson. You know all the words, but you are not letting them go all the way through.

“You’re also learning that the affirmation you seek will not come when you think you need it, because you are learning that YOU are the source of your own Self love and Self confidence, your own strength and power. You gave that power over to others and they abused it. So now it’s time for you to stand in it.

“The people who are not affirming your love in the way you wish they would are doing so because it is their guidance leading them, not because they don’t feel that love for you. They do. You need to trust that and stop expecting others to throw their energy into a black hole they can never fill.

“YOU need to fill the black hole with Self love and allow that energy to be enough.”

Ahramein continued, explaining to me that this is a long-established pattern, so it is taking time to unwind and unravel the energies wrapped up in it. We talked a bit about my father, who was a very difficult man who was possibly a sociopath and who was basically incapable of love.

“Your dad did a number in this life, reinforcing these energies, but you need to remember here all you learned from him and through him and trust that you do know what you need to know about this in order to move on,” Ahramein said. “With your dad, you know this energy from both sides. You also learned that you cannot fill someone else’s black hole of despair in for them either. You recognized this in him. So don’t fault yourself when you are unable to be what someone thinks they want or need in you. 

“You’re being called to a higher level of energetic independence right now, and you need this autonomy in order to be in the work you’re doing and be able to hold your space in the face of other people’s pain and needs. They will want you to solve their problems and fill in their black holes, but you are here to show them what you’ve learned about this — that no one can do that healing work for anyone else. This is a very important lesson because it is key in overcoming codependency, and that is very valuable in interpersonal energies right now.”

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I hope sharing this lesson I’m learning in my life helps those of you out there who are having a similar experience, or are processing similar energies. The world needs us to heal ourselves and help others heal themselves so we can collectively heal the planet.

I’m not going to include the usual homework, I just encourage each of you for whom this resonated to spend some time with the energies of this message, and if it feels right to do so, write or draw or find some expression of the inner work you are being called to do today.

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If you’re stuck at all, or just seeking a little bit of clarity in your life, I do offer private readings. If this feels right for you, head over to the Schedule a Reading page and drop me a line.

Also, I’ve just started a YouTube channel, so if this work resonates with you, check out my channel where I’ll be posting some videos about whatever it is the Light calls me to post about!